JOURNAL: The Problem
After a while, things keep going wrong, and you start to feel the urge to dig deeper. That’s not to say, I am not fully aware of where I’ve been mistreated, transgressed upon, oppressed, wronged… hurt, betrayed. That’s not to say, I have been the imperfection in a perfect world. No, I know things have been wrong on the other side of this coin for a long time, many coins, repeatedly.
But, after a while, you look at that common denominator and realize… there has to be something, some failure, some problem, some disconnect. You realize you are not the perfect person in problematic world, either. There is something amiss… some failures, some flaws… not only in the pain I inevitably seem to attract to myself, but in the role I must play in propagating others’ pain, too.
In the end, we all just want to be happy, loved, understood. It seems so incredibly simple, doesn’t it? I need to sort some things out in myself. I am terribly honest and forthright.. to the point of insensitivity oftentimes. I am acutely aware of my flaws and failures… but I dont understood the why and how… meaning, why these flaws persist, though I hate them… and how to eliminate them from my life permanently.
Anyone who knows me know that I am big on self-improvement, personal growth… being the very best version of myself. But I feel like I haven’t grown in a long time and I may really have to refocus my attention on that growth and understanding of myself. That true self actualization, before I can understand someone else. I wish it could all be so simple, but somehow it’s becoming increasingly hard.
Allah help me.