Freewrite: The Mistake of Stillness
She found me again
Though I’ve hidden with busy hands
And every moment filled with musts
She settled in on my heart
over coffee and the mistake of stillness
I’ve lied. I hide from the writing
because I know what it brings.
And I want to feel like William
(Lonely, lonely! And best so!)
But my heart longs for more
Sadness makes for bitter company.
So I will work with the fervency of the manic
My mind frantic with lists and absolutes
I will work til someone drags me like a drunkard
to a filthy unkempt bed
I will work up to the edge of loneliness, and never beyond.
And I will look with longing eyes
How must it be for them
To be so close to love-
Or not. Perhaps, they are just lonely, too.
Sadness tiptoeing at the boundaries of their hearts
But it gets quiet, too quiet
So I consider the pills, yoga, meditation, a walk even
The stillness is too much
The sadness is too much
Warmth, soft fingers, sex invade me.
I want for reprieve
Noise, urgency, an occupied mind
So I reheat the coffee, again
-and scour the cabinets.