Freewrite: Rumination

Posted by in Writing

Because it's the best I can do
Not to be less than this
When all the goodness
That the universe has to offer
Is right here, in reception
And I am full of gratitude
and worry, overwhelm
and self-loathing

There are ways to be more, I think
I have engaged in all of them
I have achieved such normalcy
That I hardly recognized myself

And then bound so far beyond it
That I got dual sessions
Free of charge
New prescriptions
I would never fill

Self awareness, it seems, is not
an adequate indicator of control

Because you see
what you need to see in me
And I oblige, always
With quiet pains and doubts that ache
And no place for them
in the lime light.

I don't mean to wraps words
around words
around words
I don't mean
for this God-forsaken spiral
to devalue you

You and the universe mean so much
Gratitude is an understatement.

I do wish, though
to be clear
Understood, even.

It's only that
I don't know.
I don't know how to say
Thank you for seeing good -or
Thank you for kind words and encouragement
Forgive me for not knowing how
to make them matter more
Not knowing why
they lack resonance.